Our Children

We constantly hear of parents having a difficult time disciplining their children. Their basic complaint is based on how tough it can be establishing and maintaining adequate control over them. Perhaps it is time for a change of approach. No longer should it be about how we can control our child, but to establish, once and for all, who is in control. It is the parents who must always have the control. It cannot be the grandparents, a sick child, relatives or feuding spouses who can control, on their own account the situation. It is the couple (father and mother) in collaboration and dialogue, who are called to control the behavior of their children. In a home where there is a united couple in good understanding, the problem of controlling the children is diminished. As long as, it is very clear to children from an early age where authority is and they acquire a habit to accept it and to respect it, they will, generally, develop good manners and discipline.

However, control and authority is not cultivated through physical punishment, accusations, lectures (preaching), inappropriate comparisons and ridicule. Nor it is obtained ignoring the children or being excessively permissive. Both extremes are equally harmful. In the first case, the excessive and abusive control creates in the child a feeling of low self-esteem amongst other problems. In the second case, the overly tolerant attitude of the parents helps shape a selfish and rude child.

There are many important points to consider when we think about establishing suitable control of our children. The first condition must always be, to take into account the needs of the child. The main reason to establish discipline in our children is first of all, to assure his/her present and future well-being. Apart from maintaining the needs of the children as a priority we must take into account the collective needs of the family. 

We must also remember that control has to be wielded with love. Discipline must be an invitation to grow. It must occur in a climate of tenderness and love. When tenderness and love are consistent in the family environment, the use of authority and the subsequent control that the parents exert, assumes the characteristics of effectiveness, sincerity and commitment. In this atmosphere the changes that parents impose, are perceived by the children as a call to improve their conduct instead of being a negative message towards their self-image. 

As the children grow and assume greater responsibility, the external control of the parents diminishes, to give way to a greater automatic control. Towards adolescence it is necessary to try to find the right amount of control. A firm but respectful attitude from the parents will allow the young person to assume responsibility for their actions, to value the consequences of such and to draw experience from each learning opportunity. 

When our child is mistaken or has committed an error, instead of condemning him or making fun of him, it is convenient to teach him/her how to amend the error and fix what is broken.   In place of blunt answers or mere prohibitions, we could offer alternatives to help him/her assume responsibilities and to make decisions on their own. 
Parents and children have a common task, to grow together like people. A child is a not a toy for the parents, nor their teddy bear, nor a continuation of the family’s last name. He is a unique human being worth of being loved for whom he or she is. 

Renovación Conyugal through the project “Escuela Para Padres” provides assistance for parents.

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